Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Time To Iron Out Pressing Problem Plaguing The People

On the eve of America's 237th birthday, it's time to tackle a major problem with America's true pastime.  

Beer rankings.
  • Why did Deadspin rank Yuengling among the worst 36 beers made in America, yet leave Icehouse off the list?
Abita Straw-Ator, now ON TAP at ROTOLO's! 31 Different Beers ON TAP! Largest Selection Of Craft Drafts In The City! 

That's a debate to wage on another day to be honest. What laces my sneakers is the age-old geographical ignorance on display in the world of sports.  If we divided pizza the haphazard way the NFL slices and dices the 32 teams, somebody would end up with two crusts and no meat.

Dallas in the NFC East and St. Louis in the NFC West stick out like sore thumbs at a Nail Salon.  Granted, on a "1-10" scale of the world's problems, this is only a 7 or 8... but it must be addressed. 

It must!

Using the Jim Delaney 8-Ball, we found a solution for this crippling dilemma that plagues our country 23 hours per day and twice on Sunday.   The Big 10 gave up on Legends and Gentlemen, or whatever they named their two college football divisions.  Why not use the Legends of the NFL to top the Division names, eliminating Geography For Dummies from Roger Goodell's Summer Reading List. 

Below you will find a much more palatable, suitable heading for the six divisions in the NFL.  Dallas-ites can stop pretending to be New Yorker's with a drawl.

Old Division Name:   NFC EAST
New Division Name:  The Landry Division

Old Division Name:   NFC SOUTH
New Division Name:  The Gleason Division

Old Division Name:   NFC NORTH
New Division Name:  The Lombardi Division

Old Division Name:   NFC WEST
New Division Name:  The Walsh Division

Old Division Name:    AFC EAST
New Division Name:  The Shula Division 

Old Division Name:   AFC SOUTH
New Division Name:  The Bum Division

Old Division Name:   AFC NORTH
New Division Name:  The Rooney Division

Old Division Name:   AFC WEST
New Division Name:  The Davis-Hunt Division

Now that we've solved this colossal problem, on to renaming Louisiana High School mascots...

Minden Fences
North Webster Dictionaries
Kinder Gardeners (H/T Skandar Akbar)
Ouachita Linemen
West Monroe Boats
Homer Odyssey
Haynesville Shales
Gibsland-Coleman Coolers
Byrd Watchers
Airline Pilots
Plain Dealing Cards
I think it's time for a vacation from the keyboard.  Now... where did I put that refreshing Icehouse?